Reflections

School has now commenced! And, I thought it would never come...
Looking back on this school year, I wish I could have tried harder to connect with people, to come across as a cool person to them. I wish I didn't make myself so much of an outcast, a nerd, a nutcase. It's almost like I've gotten used to it after so many years of being in that situation: I don't mind it so much. I've forced myself to seem strong, indifferent. I don't want people to see me weak, incapable, sensitive. I isolate myself from others, or maybe they're just too judgemental and refuse to believe I'm one of them. Although this sounds quite troubling, I simply don't care anymore. I've given up on it; I don't have time to dwell on these trivial issues. The demands of high school are difficult in general, managing academics with extra-curricular activities and my non-existent social life. Each day is another challenge to get through, another mountain to climb. I don't know, I guess I've just lost the self-confidence I had when I was a little naive girl, always looking on the bright side, thinking the world was a wonderful place. Where has it gone? Now, I stumble through every last thing, afraid of how others react, what they think of me. I'm always searching for the right thing to say, and yet I never find it. I feel like I don't much in common with anyone around me; I can't connect with them. To them, I'm simply an over-achieving nerd who only cares about school and has no life except for that. Yes, that is exactly who I am. I've always tried to change, finding a wide array of things to talk about, discovering a myriad of interests. But, it doesn't help, and so I continue on in life, working my ass off just to get by. The reason I care so much about my education is because it means the world to me. It's the only thing I can excel at, something to achieve, to aim for. I want to have a promising future and show people that I am capable. I don't want to be just a face in the crowd; I want to be someone, a person others look up to and strive to become, someone who will be remembered. That's why I work my hardest to get a good education because it's the only thing I can do right now (well, at this point in time). So that's my answer to all those naysayers out there.
I don't have many other goals in life: just to get a good education, connect with people, find a way to channel my strengths and passions into something meaningful, and to discover who I really am. I need to find myself somewhere, look for that sign telling me I've found my bliss. The world seems like such an intricate place, and I want to witness it to know it's true.
Until I do that, I will keep charging on. Life's too short to be afraid of what other people think of you. The world is too complex for that kind of doubt. You just have to hold your head up high and carry yourself through with class and dignity. Always be grateful for that dignity and for everything else you have, and know that you have it far better than so many other people. There's a hell of a lot of suffering and strife out there, so it helps to know that you're not one of those people. Remember that everything has a good and a bad to it, whether you like it or not. I guess that's the best advice I could give to others.